Progressivism: The movement obsessed with feeling guilty on behalf of people you’ve never met, for things you never did, in places you’ve never been.
Echoing the (Former) First Lady
It has taking a while, but I can now echo the famous words of a former First Lady who said she was finally proud of America. I can even be grateful to her husband who loved America so much that he wanted to fundamentally change her. I’m so blessed that the country has changed in so many ways in the last two decades. Let me recount the ways so you can see how grateful I am and experience my joy with me.
So Many Reasons to be Proud
First off, I am proud of how terrible I feel that I am white, and that I finally see my whiteness as a disease. Shame over my skin color and family heritage has been so transformative. I now know how triggering it is to oppressed people everywhere that I’m an older, happily married, white male. People aren’t forced to understand my character and motives before judging me as a person. They can merely judge me for my age and skin color without listening to what I have to say. I hope they are grateful for all the effort I’ve saved them.
I’m so proud that we have realized that national borders are immoral and have obliterated them. Now anyone can come to our beautiful country to make it a better place. We can even open our borders to terrorists, human traffickers, and communist insurgents. The Bible says we should love our enemies, so Christians should want open borders. Let our enemies in. I’m sure they will turn from evil and stop wanting to destroy us once they see how generous we are to illegal immigrants.
It’s About the Children
We have realized that children struggling with identity issues are wise enough to choose to sterilize themselves and mutilate their bodies to alleviate gender dysphoria, even though it usually resolves on its own. Of course, they aren’t allowed to get tattoos or smoke, but they can cut of healthy body parts and take puberty blockers that torch their reproductive capacity because it’s compassionate. To protect their rights, we have outlawed any therapy that might help them feel comfortable in their God-given body, and we punish any parent that would prohibit them from taking this daring journey into a wonderland of sterilization and sexual dysfunction. Protecting parental rights is abuse. We are so much better than all those European countries that are banning transgender procedures for minors. Especially those self-righteous Scandinavians, how dare they talk about climate change when they are forcing their children to grow up in the bodies that they were born with!
We can teach children that there is no God and that this incredible universe and life itself just happened by accident. That’s because having faith in a mathematically absurd scientific proposition dreamed up by atheists is much more reasonable than believing in a personal creator who planned it all. Taking God out of our schools has been so constructive. By teaching kids that there is no God, it has removed all moral constraints on their behavior. They can have sex whenever, however, and with whomever they want. They have no moral responsibility to a creator because they are cosmic accidents. It’s too bad that there have been so many school shootings since we scrubbed prayer from schools. Don’t these shooters realize that human life is precious? Well, at least after the parents decide to keep a baby, or at least until after the baby is born, or maybe it’s when they decide to take the baby home… I don’t know, but I’m sure glad that we don’t have to read the Bible to figure that out.
As a progressive, I realize that children should be sexualized as early as possible. Pedophiles and grammar school drag queens aren’t sick people, they’re enlightened. They’re trying to remove our children’s innocence so they won’t have to wait until puberty to deal with issues that could be embarrassing in middle school. Middle school is hard enough as it is! And I detest those free speech hypocrites who want to ban books in schools. They want to remove sexually liberating books from grammar school libraries just because a few parents have objected to having “pornography” in schools. What do parents know about how their children should be educated anyway? Do they have PhDs in education? The nerve of these people!
A Virtuous Woke Nation
I’m so glad that we have finally realized that it is evil to utilize your own national resources, especially oil and gas, when you can drive up astronomically the price of these commodities and curtail people’s regressive desire to drive their own cars, trucks, and (cringe) SUVs. Then, for people who are upset that the price of everything has nearly doubled, you can lower the price of fentanyl to give some relief from their anxiety. As a bonus, we can outsource the production of nearly everything to poor countries where they won’t be troubled with the environmental hassles of clean production methods. We can even give their children jobs in mines and factories. Remember, whatever doesn’t kill them is just going to make them stronger. I feel so good right now! Somebody should get a Nobel Peace Prize for this.
I’m proud that, as a progressive people, we do not want the US to be the leader of the free world anymore. Wouldn’t it be fairer to let China take over? Communism really isn’t so bad. Just because they killed over 100 million people doesn’t make them evil. Besides, we have a lot we can learn from them, like how to deal with free speech. Here, we have villains like Elon Musk who lets people to disagree with teaching boys that they can become girls or that men shouldn’t be beating up women in the Olympics. Not so in China – they have no “misinformation”. I guess we’re lucky that so many Chinese men of military age have come across the southern border. Maybe we can give them the right to vote. Oh wait, they’re already doing that in New York. Next, we need to give them access to the control points of our economy. Oh wait, they probably already have that. All this cyber warfare is so exciting! I mean, rioters stealing from megarich department stores can transfer only hundreds of millions in wealth. Imagine what letting a bunch of cyber terrorists into the country can do. I can hardly wait!
I want to talk to all you so-called patriots out there. Get with it! Stop supporting an egomaniac who was so hell bent on being president that he sacrificed $2B in net worth while to serve as president. Only a very sick man would sacrifice that much personal wealth for a racist country like the United States. He claims that there are tyrants in power who are trying to stop him because he’s fighting for you. Don’t believe him. He’s a convicted felon. So what if they had to change laws just to allow him to be sued. So what if Biden mishandled classified documents too. So what if Fani Willis was colluding with the DOJ to get Trump imprisoned and is now under investigation herself for improprieties. So what Leticia James vowed to get Trump if elected and had to upgrade a misdemeanor bookkeeping error to a felony by linking it to some seemingly unrelated federal statute. Nothing matters except keeping Donald Trump out of office. Everyone knows he is deranged and dangerous. You may have thought he was joking when he said that he’d be a dictator for only a day. I bet he would become a dictator for two or three days. And by that time, he could destroy the country. He’ll probably go back to deregulating business, cutting taxes, creating more pollution by creating more jobs, and hurting polar bears. The man must be stopped!
Join the Team
I want you to know that being progressive has really improved my life. I’m more popular at parties. My siblings like me more. I honestly feel so much better about myself. If I wake up feeling bad, I just confess my whiteness until I feel better. If I’m feeling guilty about living in a first-world country, I go buy some carbon offset credits and feel good about myself again. I know that I can signal my virtue by the pronouns that I use, by following the right causes on social media, and by giving up meat. It’s time for us to come together as a nation and stop trying to do divisive things like lowering taxes, supporting parental rights, or creating a colorblind society. Forcing equitable outcomes requires drastic measures. Personal freedom, especially freedom of religion and expression, cannot be tolerated. Protecting people’s feelings is more important than protecting your inalienable rights. It’s time for you to stop clinging to your guns, your religion, and your old-fashioned concepts of virtue. Join those of us who woke up to our need to be cleansed of our national pride and join the mob seeking a better life through bugs, lower emissions, and an end to personal freedom. We can have utopia now if we can just get that Trump guy out of the way. Join me, and vote woke in 2024.
Truth Be Bold 